Today, I learnt my lesson.

12.52am, the wee hours of Christmas, year 2008.

Before this time, if I was asked, "If you could turn back time, what would you change?", sturdily, I'd tell you, I will keep everything as it has happened and I have no regrets.

Today, that changed. Today, I learnt my lesson.

In the previous night, I fought over a dilemma. Should I spend my time on this, or that? Dreaded with guilt, I chose the latter. It doesn't matter what it was, now. What has happened, has happened. But, it'll be a mistake I'll never repeat.

Let's take it from the top. I enjoy togetherness with the people I cherish, I have no doubt about that. I am thankful for every moment I am able to spend time with these loving individuals. Oh, in case you are wondering, I meant my family and friends.

Today, right now, I feel as if my regression comes haunting me. Big deal, you'd say. Everyone has regrets. Like I don't already know. Anyway, what is the big deal?

Today, I saw a sea of beings moping along the streets. It finally hit me. What was I thinking? I was walking among them moments ago. What am I? Stupid? I must be. They, like myself moments ago, were all victims of group-think; a term which caused the infamous holocaust of Jews during Hitler's reign; also is every reason which created ridiculous scenarios of men killing men. Am I that weak to bend my principles just to conform to the crowd? Confirmed. I was stupid. Note the past tense.

Right now, I do not care if you think I'm not cool. I do not give a damn if I don't fit in. I could care less if you think I'm boring or ugly, whatsoever. Most of all, what you think of me does NOT matter anymore. Why would I want to be one of you if that means losing myself, defying the people I love just to learn about regression and pain. Is being "part of the crowd" so important or fun? Today, I learnt my lesson. I am afraid not. It was so far from fun. I was an idiot. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize to my sisters; to my friends, but most of all, I owe myself a big apology for going against my own will. I deserved better.

Even so, it was a lesson to learn when this matter is concerned; my first, and definitely, my last. I rest my case.

17 December 2008, Wednesday (0105hours)

Like you, I am imperfect and I am very, VERY well aware of that. I always HATE being reminded of the flaws I actually HAVE to live with but I try very hard to be better. Trust me, I try, every single day. Nevertheless, it has been MY stubborn nature to take things harder than how I should have. The umpteen times I have been tossed and dissed into ditches, silenced me in some ways.

Before this time, I always pray to the super powers beyond mine (Sorry, I lost faith in the being I used to call 'God') that those who had mercilessly thrashed my spirits, will be spared from what I have to go through every single time, to pick myself up.

Today, I have come to a point in my life where I can laugh at my feebleness for such prayers. And, as from today, I pray that those people, who broke my heart and my spirit, will live through the exact, if not worse, moments than I have had to. I pray, that they will have the courage to rise up, to learn, and to understand others better, up to a point they swear to themselves they will not treat others like how they did.

Because it hurts so much. And because, AS I have learnt that I would not have made it this far if it was not for them, I believe they will not learn until they have fallen.

I resent them. But, in very different ways, I thank them. I forgive them. But, in very different ways, I cannot forget what they have made me gone through. How could I? I had to learn. How can one forget the great lessons a great teacher taught? Probably never. Likewise, I learn to be better.

An Unfinished Love Trail..er..I Meant TALE

I always thought we were meant to be find each other in this lifetime. And today, was a trail..er..I meant TALE, my apologies, to remember.

At 9am, destiny worked its magic and we were brought together: AT THE CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION.

Well, it wasn't all that dramatic, to cut to the chase. It was a meeting of some of the old and new friends of mine. What were you thinking?! Goodness. The church was the grouping point and of course, FREE PARKING!! It must be GOD'S WILL.

Shin Yong, Keh Jun, Xandria, Yokie, Rachel, Jade, Jasmine and I went for a trail- Penang Heritage Trail, to be exact. But...since Penang is all too "heritage-able", the trail which began at LOVE LANE became our unfinished business. We..didn't finished it, to put it bluntly (Rachel and Yokie fared worse than us, retreating earlier leaving the rest of us in isolation.)

The day before, I had to check the weather forecast to ensure we were permitted BY DESTINY to walk on our trail. Weather forecast from MSN Weather told me that it would be cloudy from 8am to 5am. Just perfect, I thought.

But it turned out that it was not cloudy. Oh, it did not rain either. Instead, it was scorching hot, alright!! *&^%! (forgive me).

Nonetheless, the best part I found about the trail was our visit to Chocolate Boutique. It was heaven-sent, I am telling you, for chocolate lovers alike! We were guided by a kind staff on a tour around the boutique. Every kind chocolate was Malaysian made. Oh did you know, "Beryls' " is a Malaysian brand? I found that out today. And I thought, my, my! People have been buying Malaysian chocolates from across the vast oceans! Ah, but the best part was we get to taste the heavenly chocolates, and even Traditional Penang's White Coffee. Yum! (Believe it or not, there were Chili Chocolates. Yes. The lady "commanded" us to taste that chocolate, all of us at once and, you have GOT to taste it to believe it!)






Nostalgia filled me as I looked at the pitiful sight of the buildings along the trail. They used to stand so grand but are now worn, torn and neglected. Negligence, was the worst part of all. Hear it from me, most buildings will not last long enough to shine its proud history- the history of a place I call, "Home".

Finally, our trail..er..TALE through history, brought us back to the modern times: GURNEY PLAZA. Relieved, we were, to be away from the vengeful sun. It was a reminder for me to cherish one of man's greatest creations: THE AIR-CONDITIONER. Nevertheless, today was a LOVE TALE we will always cherish (It did not sound right for me to speak for the rest of my mates but, I had a great time! Thank you to all who made it happen for me!) And, I look forward to, hopefully, more fun with all (including the rest) of the wonderful individuals I never regretted meeting in this lifetime. Remember, I LOVE YOU.

What a love! Not that "kind" of love, stupid. I am talking about "Friendship" Love.

P.S. My "PASSIONATE LOVE" for chocolates shall not end just there. It was an ending, but it was the end of the BEGINNING of a great relationship!

A Letter to My 30-year-old Self

Dear Shalyn,

Today, in the month of December 2008, I, or you, am, or WERE, 19 years old. I owe you, my 30-year-old self, a testimony as a reminder of how it felt like to be 19 this year. It suddenly struck me if I have a chance to meet my future self, what would I tell myself? Well, here is what you ought to know.


How are you, today? Not as messed up as always, are you? If you're married, I hope your marriage is all well. If my future husband is a jerk, please, I, your 19-year-old self would rather be a spinster. Drop that bugger for me, will you? If you're so in love, then okay go ahead. Just don't get carried away! But if you haven't found our prince charming, all the better. YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHAT WE LIVE FOR, HAVE YOU? *knock knock!*


I am surprised you even made it this far. 30, wow. THAT'S really cool, technically, for a 19-year-old like your old you here. What have you been up to? Not a typical workaholic, I hope. If you are, you should consider taking time-off. I mean, seriously. This is the only life you're certain that you have, you know. You're already 30. It's a new start, but still, you're not me anymore!


Anyway, being 19 this year is a big mark for me though it might seem minute to you, my 30-year-old self. I felt like I've aged 5 years this year. I am learning more about myself each day. If you remember, 10 years ago, or in my case, next year, we'll be on our way to America: Our first time so far away from home. I am melancholic but all the same, ecstatic. We love learning about everything so much, don't we?? I certainly hope you haven't lose yourself again. I see my 30-year-old self as being so successful. You would have overcome our old weaknesses.


Back to being 19. This is the year we fought a battle with ourselves, remember? More like a mental battle. It sounds silly to most of our friends but it is strictly personal, right? Have you forgotten? I'm here to remind you. What fools we were! It took place in college, where we were so determined for our first time to score all As to get on the list? They say no female sex has ever made it despite some who scored 4.0 but weren't qualified? Oh, and despite our downfall the previous semester where we took five subjects in a semester but our CGPA committed suicide? Not only that, certain people tried to slander us by taking five bold subjects AGAIN despite our downfall where they said, "What? You're taking five subjects AGAIN?" We have never fought with such determination. Our first major victory! I was so proud of us! We won against our worst enemy: Our self-doubt. Silly us!


And this is also the year we stopped believing in God. I, here, still believe in a super major power but it isn't God. If there is one, I'd blame him but the thing is, he does not exist. We've finally made up our little minds that mankind created "God" as an excuse for everything that failed or is inexplicable. We stood on a new thought. That we should believe in ourselves before believing in others, including any other super powers or "God". We were never our own worshippers until we fought the little battle against ourselves. Ironic, isn't it? I definitely hope you love yourself more than ever, now. I haven't loved myself entirely at this age. I am just like others, still falling into ditches and picking myself up. It hurts to fall and found only ourselves in the pitch dark ditch. Finding ourselves will be much better than no one at all, I'll always console myself. So, don't go losing yourself again. Treasure yourself. Promise me that!


It is not that I can't rely on other people but your 19-year-old self learned the hard way that yes, people say they will be there (I'd always blame them when they're not. I'd rather they don't make empty promises.) but they're not because I finally understand no one can really be there for us except ourselves. Because everyone has their own battles to fight and because everyone has got their own problems. I still hate them once in awhile. Are you still in touch with our fellow friends? Don't tell me you've lost them. Find them back if they haven't tossed you into the trash can. Other than that, feel free to move on. Oh and about the worthless guys you fretted over like I did, even this year,too? You're worth more than that, please. For goodness's sake! Hear it from me, your 19-year-old self!


I think those are the major points I'd like you to know. Promise me you'd put yourself first. Without you, our dream will not come true! We were never the beauty queen or a supermodel but we are all we've got, remember? Actually, I'm writing, unsure if you'll still be alive because life is so unpredictable. I might get run over by a truck after writing this testimony and heck, it wouldn't be read by you. I am also writing in hope you'd remember who you really are. Love your family and those friends who are left. I love you. Remember that always! Whew, what a letter!



Lots of hugs and kisses,
Your beloved 19-year-old self

So THAT was the consequence!

I am 19 years old. Now what does my age have to do with what you're about to read? You'll see.

As a start, I was supposed to get my sister from school and damn, I'm late. Again. Uh huh, no big deal. On the way, there was a stupid MyVi which came out from a turn all of a sudden. So I cursed (What was that I cursed, you might wonder: F*** A**! C*RSE UR FUTURE WEDDING!!). Don't look at me like that, they just came out against my will!

Ah yes, so back to my story. Hours later at a different location, as I was walking (towards my car), my shoe hit the pavement and for a split second, my world seemed to stop revolving. The next thing I know, I was laying face down on the pavement. Ouch. No, really, I mean it: OUCH!!

To put things bluntly, I tripped and fell flat. Of course I had bruises! They hurt!

So THAT was the consequence. From cursing. Yes, laugh as you may, you evil minion! Have I learnt my lesson? Well, we'll see when another bugger comes testing my patience.

"Dream"

This little word brings many extemporized meanings. Is it what we have while sleeping? Or just episodes of transient lust, if that's a way to put it? Could it be something impossible? Here, I define it as something I cannot do without: A reason to help me look forward to the next day. In other words, it is my self-defined, purpose of life.

I have a dream. To rise above the rest, high enough to make a difference. A difference to make others' dreams come true, for I feel everyone of us should have the opportunity to live our dreams. I'd like justice for those whose dreams are snatched away by thieves of greed and insanity. Don't you agree?

And you, dream like you must! Forget the past, ignore the future! Instead, let the present moment pave your way. Remember, you and I are not given the choice to choose to be here. You and I can only decide what to do with the present moment; not the past and certainly not the future. It is NOW that counts.