You'll Read This, Won't You?

Like a random leaf on a tree,
Like a grain of sand swept by the waves,
Like you and I thrown into this world,
I did not get a say,
About who or where I'd rather be.
No, I didn't.
I didn't think you did, did you?
Beyond my reach,
The world revolves,
Just like a bus,
Going on a never-ending journey.
And the world doesn't care about the leaf,
Nor it does about the grain of sand,
Nor it does about the leaf,
Nor about you or me,
I am just a passenger in this world,
Not knowing where I'm from,
Not knowing when the ride will stop.
I really don't know.I don't think you know, do you?But what made us so different?
Leaf from leaf,
Grain from grain,
You from me,
Was it because of where we were born?
I wonder.
You'd wonder too, won't you?Just like the leaf,
Regardless how great,
And the grain of sand,
Regardless how great,
And you and me,
Regardless how great,
We come, undecided,
We leave, undecided,
And, we fall undecided too.
As the leaf rode by the winds,
As the grain of sand swirled with the waves,
As you and I wade through our days,
The leaf falls,
The grain of sand falls,
I fall.
I think you do,too, don't you?

It doesn't matter when the leaf touches earth,
Undecided.
It doesn't matter when the grain of sand greets the sun,
Undecided.
It doesn't matter when you and I will be pushed off this ride,
Undecided.
No, it doesn't matter.
At least, I don't think it did, do you?What matters, is what's in between,
Before the leaf kisses the earth,
Before the grain of sand snuggly fits the beach,
Before you and I get of the ride,
What's in between-
What should have been?
Or what's left?
It keeps you thinking, doesn't it?

When the leaf bids goodbye to the winds,
It leaves behind a trail of wind, or nothing at all.
When the grain of sand bids goodbye to the waves,
It leaves behind a trail of wave, or nothing at all.
When you and I bid goodbye to the other passengers,
What do you want to leave behind?
A trail of footsteps? Or nothing at all?
I know you're thinking now, aren't you?
Our journey is undecided,
Like the leaf knows,
So it decided to ride well before it touches the earth,
Like the grain of sand knows,
So it decided to swirl in the best waves before it reaches the beach.
Like you and I know,
So what have you decided?
I decided to make this journey one to remember,
Because not like the leaf,
Because not like the grain of sand,
We, have you and I.

And THAT, made a whole lot of difference.
At least, I thought so, didn't you?

Something My Mom Hasn't Yet Know

I've passed that gate umpteen times but I've never thought of entering. Yesterday, I made my first turn into the compound.

A friendly, elderly lady informed someone and another elderly Indian lady welcomed me into her office. She is the centre's administrator; pleasant and very unlike the grim, old security guard I met on my way in. Then, we chatted for a brief moment and I explained my situation and how long I plan to drop by. One of the questions she asked was, "So, what is your course of study?"

"Finance?" I replied, knitting my brows with big, invisible question mark above my head. Now what does that have to do with...

"Oh, it's nothing. I'm just trying to find out if there is a connection between what you do and why you might be here," she said.

Oh.

I came to the conclusion that many others must have dropped by with something under their sleeves. Well, I have none.

Anyway, let's talk about the following today when I told the administrator I'd drop by again. It was this morning, 8.30am. From there, I was led by the administrator who took me around and into a gym where I'd be spending one hour with a teacher/instructor. Well, I'd be a regular person in that gym for the following three weeks. Okay, so really, I myself needed a gym BUT, that was not why I was there. Huh, think again!

The instructor called for a girl around the age of eight. The little girl hobbled her way to the instructor and I, smiling. Boy, I was clueless.

"All you have to do is to watch her. Make sure she does her stretching exercises somewhere safe. Against the wall. She is unable to maintain her balance."

Here's a new term I learnt today:

Cerebral Palsy
Symptoms can be as simple as having difficulty with fine motor tasks like writing or using scissors, or as profound as being unable to maintain balance or walk. Severely afflicted patients may have involuntary movements, such as uncontrollable hand motions and drooling. Others suffer from associated medical disorders, such as seizures and mental retardation.

In my first 4 hours of presence in the building, the symptoms presented themselves to me as children and teenagers with the disability live their normal, routine lives: learning to speak, read, count, swim etc. I was an outsider, really. It was a whole new world I've never known.

"The Spastic Children Association of Penang".

I wonder what else life will teach me in my following weeks at the centre. It is something my mom hasn't found out YET. I'll let her know, maybe later. (Pauses to think.) Yeah. Later.

Ask Any Tadpole...

I'm just dropping in to share one analogy I learnt from Ajahn Brahm; one like those other things which seem to have found their places in our hearts, sometimes. Here is how I'd like to tell it (AND how my poor memory remembered it!) :

Ask any tadpole about water. 'What is water, do you know, o' lil' one?'

Isn't it obvious tadpoles live in water, the H2O we learnt in highschool? Bah, stupid tadpole, don't you know.."water"?!

The lil' one will turn to its friends and shrug. The tadpoles are all clueless of what they have been surrounded with throughout their tadpole lives!

But just you be patient and wait, said the determined lil' tadpole. I'll find out what it means!

And truth betold, that tadpole grew into a frog and is finally free to leap out of what it has been surrounded for all its life.

As the tadpole sat on land by the water, he looked down at what he emerged from.

Aha! So THAT is 'water'!

Doesn't this analogy sound familiar to you? We have been surrounded by 'life' for all our lives, just as the tadpole by 'water'. Think about it. I just find this analogy really fascinating and really eye-opening. Ask any tadpole!

Today, I learnt my lesson.

12.52am, the wee hours of Christmas, year 2008.

Before this time, if I was asked, "If you could turn back time, what would you change?", sturdily, I'd tell you, I will keep everything as it has happened and I have no regrets.

Today, that changed. Today, I learnt my lesson.

In the previous night, I fought over a dilemma. Should I spend my time on this, or that? Dreaded with guilt, I chose the latter. It doesn't matter what it was, now. What has happened, has happened. But, it'll be a mistake I'll never repeat.

Let's take it from the top. I enjoy togetherness with the people I cherish, I have no doubt about that. I am thankful for every moment I am able to spend time with these loving individuals. Oh, in case you are wondering, I meant my family and friends.

Today, right now, I feel as if my regression comes haunting me. Big deal, you'd say. Everyone has regrets. Like I don't already know. Anyway, what is the big deal?

Today, I saw a sea of beings moping along the streets. It finally hit me. What was I thinking? I was walking among them moments ago. What am I? Stupid? I must be. They, like myself moments ago, were all victims of group-think; a term which caused the infamous holocaust of Jews during Hitler's reign; also is every reason which created ridiculous scenarios of men killing men. Am I that weak to bend my principles just to conform to the crowd? Confirmed. I was stupid. Note the past tense.

Right now, I do not care if you think I'm not cool. I do not give a damn if I don't fit in. I could care less if you think I'm boring or ugly, whatsoever. Most of all, what you think of me does NOT matter anymore. Why would I want to be one of you if that means losing myself, defying the people I love just to learn about regression and pain. Is being "part of the crowd" so important or fun? Today, I learnt my lesson. I am afraid not. It was so far from fun. I was an idiot. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize to my sisters; to my friends, but most of all, I owe myself a big apology for going against my own will. I deserved better.

Even so, it was a lesson to learn when this matter is concerned; my first, and definitely, my last. I rest my case.

17 December 2008, Wednesday (0105hours)

Like you, I am imperfect and I am very, VERY well aware of that. I always HATE being reminded of the flaws I actually HAVE to live with but I try very hard to be better. Trust me, I try, every single day. Nevertheless, it has been MY stubborn nature to take things harder than how I should have. The umpteen times I have been tossed and dissed into ditches, silenced me in some ways.

Before this time, I always pray to the super powers beyond mine (Sorry, I lost faith in the being I used to call 'God') that those who had mercilessly thrashed my spirits, will be spared from what I have to go through every single time, to pick myself up.

Today, I have come to a point in my life where I can laugh at my feebleness for such prayers. And, as from today, I pray that those people, who broke my heart and my spirit, will live through the exact, if not worse, moments than I have had to. I pray, that they will have the courage to rise up, to learn, and to understand others better, up to a point they swear to themselves they will not treat others like how they did.

Because it hurts so much. And because, AS I have learnt that I would not have made it this far if it was not for them, I believe they will not learn until they have fallen.

I resent them. But, in very different ways, I thank them. I forgive them. But, in very different ways, I cannot forget what they have made me gone through. How could I? I had to learn. How can one forget the great lessons a great teacher taught? Probably never. Likewise, I learn to be better.

An Unfinished Love Trail..er..I Meant TALE

I always thought we were meant to be find each other in this lifetime. And today, was a trail..er..I meant TALE, my apologies, to remember.

At 9am, destiny worked its magic and we were brought together: AT THE CHURCH OF THE ASSUMPTION.

Well, it wasn't all that dramatic, to cut to the chase. It was a meeting of some of the old and new friends of mine. What were you thinking?! Goodness. The church was the grouping point and of course, FREE PARKING!! It must be GOD'S WILL.

Shin Yong, Keh Jun, Xandria, Yokie, Rachel, Jade, Jasmine and I went for a trail- Penang Heritage Trail, to be exact. But...since Penang is all too "heritage-able", the trail which began at LOVE LANE became our unfinished business. We..didn't finished it, to put it bluntly (Rachel and Yokie fared worse than us, retreating earlier leaving the rest of us in isolation.)

The day before, I had to check the weather forecast to ensure we were permitted BY DESTINY to walk on our trail. Weather forecast from MSN Weather told me that it would be cloudy from 8am to 5am. Just perfect, I thought.

But it turned out that it was not cloudy. Oh, it did not rain either. Instead, it was scorching hot, alright!! *&^%! (forgive me).

Nonetheless, the best part I found about the trail was our visit to Chocolate Boutique. It was heaven-sent, I am telling you, for chocolate lovers alike! We were guided by a kind staff on a tour around the boutique. Every kind chocolate was Malaysian made. Oh did you know, "Beryls' " is a Malaysian brand? I found that out today. And I thought, my, my! People have been buying Malaysian chocolates from across the vast oceans! Ah, but the best part was we get to taste the heavenly chocolates, and even Traditional Penang's White Coffee. Yum! (Believe it or not, there were Chili Chocolates. Yes. The lady "commanded" us to taste that chocolate, all of us at once and, you have GOT to taste it to believe it!)






Nostalgia filled me as I looked at the pitiful sight of the buildings along the trail. They used to stand so grand but are now worn, torn and neglected. Negligence, was the worst part of all. Hear it from me, most buildings will not last long enough to shine its proud history- the history of a place I call, "Home".

Finally, our trail..er..TALE through history, brought us back to the modern times: GURNEY PLAZA. Relieved, we were, to be away from the vengeful sun. It was a reminder for me to cherish one of man's greatest creations: THE AIR-CONDITIONER. Nevertheless, today was a LOVE TALE we will always cherish (It did not sound right for me to speak for the rest of my mates but, I had a great time! Thank you to all who made it happen for me!) And, I look forward to, hopefully, more fun with all (including the rest) of the wonderful individuals I never regretted meeting in this lifetime. Remember, I LOVE YOU.

What a love! Not that "kind" of love, stupid. I am talking about "Friendship" Love.

P.S. My "PASSIONATE LOVE" for chocolates shall not end just there. It was an ending, but it was the end of the BEGINNING of a great relationship!

A Letter to My 30-year-old Self

Dear Shalyn,

Today, in the month of December 2008, I, or you, am, or WERE, 19 years old. I owe you, my 30-year-old self, a testimony as a reminder of how it felt like to be 19 this year. It suddenly struck me if I have a chance to meet my future self, what would I tell myself? Well, here is what you ought to know.


How are you, today? Not as messed up as always, are you? If you're married, I hope your marriage is all well. If my future husband is a jerk, please, I, your 19-year-old self would rather be a spinster. Drop that bugger for me, will you? If you're so in love, then okay go ahead. Just don't get carried away! But if you haven't found our prince charming, all the better. YOU HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN WHAT WE LIVE FOR, HAVE YOU? *knock knock!*


I am surprised you even made it this far. 30, wow. THAT'S really cool, technically, for a 19-year-old like your old you here. What have you been up to? Not a typical workaholic, I hope. If you are, you should consider taking time-off. I mean, seriously. This is the only life you're certain that you have, you know. You're already 30. It's a new start, but still, you're not me anymore!


Anyway, being 19 this year is a big mark for me though it might seem minute to you, my 30-year-old self. I felt like I've aged 5 years this year. I am learning more about myself each day. If you remember, 10 years ago, or in my case, next year, we'll be on our way to America: Our first time so far away from home. I am melancholic but all the same, ecstatic. We love learning about everything so much, don't we?? I certainly hope you haven't lose yourself again. I see my 30-year-old self as being so successful. You would have overcome our old weaknesses.


Back to being 19. This is the year we fought a battle with ourselves, remember? More like a mental battle. It sounds silly to most of our friends but it is strictly personal, right? Have you forgotten? I'm here to remind you. What fools we were! It took place in college, where we were so determined for our first time to score all As to get on the list? They say no female sex has ever made it despite some who scored 4.0 but weren't qualified? Oh, and despite our downfall the previous semester where we took five subjects in a semester but our CGPA committed suicide? Not only that, certain people tried to slander us by taking five bold subjects AGAIN despite our downfall where they said, "What? You're taking five subjects AGAIN?" We have never fought with such determination. Our first major victory! I was so proud of us! We won against our worst enemy: Our self-doubt. Silly us!


And this is also the year we stopped believing in God. I, here, still believe in a super major power but it isn't God. If there is one, I'd blame him but the thing is, he does not exist. We've finally made up our little minds that mankind created "God" as an excuse for everything that failed or is inexplicable. We stood on a new thought. That we should believe in ourselves before believing in others, including any other super powers or "God". We were never our own worshippers until we fought the little battle against ourselves. Ironic, isn't it? I definitely hope you love yourself more than ever, now. I haven't loved myself entirely at this age. I am just like others, still falling into ditches and picking myself up. It hurts to fall and found only ourselves in the pitch dark ditch. Finding ourselves will be much better than no one at all, I'll always console myself. So, don't go losing yourself again. Treasure yourself. Promise me that!


It is not that I can't rely on other people but your 19-year-old self learned the hard way that yes, people say they will be there (I'd always blame them when they're not. I'd rather they don't make empty promises.) but they're not because I finally understand no one can really be there for us except ourselves. Because everyone has their own battles to fight and because everyone has got their own problems. I still hate them once in awhile. Are you still in touch with our fellow friends? Don't tell me you've lost them. Find them back if they haven't tossed you into the trash can. Other than that, feel free to move on. Oh and about the worthless guys you fretted over like I did, even this year,too? You're worth more than that, please. For goodness's sake! Hear it from me, your 19-year-old self!


I think those are the major points I'd like you to know. Promise me you'd put yourself first. Without you, our dream will not come true! We were never the beauty queen or a supermodel but we are all we've got, remember? Actually, I'm writing, unsure if you'll still be alive because life is so unpredictable. I might get run over by a truck after writing this testimony and heck, it wouldn't be read by you. I am also writing in hope you'd remember who you really are. Love your family and those friends who are left. I love you. Remember that always! Whew, what a letter!



Lots of hugs and kisses,
Your beloved 19-year-old self